"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart."

I have never fully understood temptation until now.. -_-

So my friend at work straightened my hair for me last night before work.
Apparently, I'm hot with straight hair. I wish I had a camera to show you guys.
I got hit on by about seven different people I work with. :)
/me self esteem boost!

So, yeah. My marriage is fallen apart. We've hardly spoken all week. I told him how I was feeling and he blew up at me. Told me I was just like his ex, whom he has never said a kind word about.
So I'm kind of at a standstill now.

Before you nudge me.
Not alot is going on, but it is. I wish I could give more, but I don't know whats going to happen right now. I don't know up from down, right from left.
I'll explain more later, when I figure it all out...

I had my proverbial Homeowners cherry popped the other day. I told my first Jehovah's Witnesses to go away!

I want to thank everyone for your kind words. :)
I decided to post again, instead of responding to everyone. I may be depressed, but I'm still lazy.
I actually got out of the house for a little yesterday. I took the boys out to lunch, then met up with hubbie to do a little Christmas shopping. I bought myself some pants and shoes for work too. It was cool, since I've only bought myself clothes once since Lukas was born. I'm okay with not buying street clothes, since I don't wear what I have. Plus it was cool to get out a little and hang out with hubbie.
I'm switching health insurance companies soon, and after that, I will start counseling, despite hubbies approval or non-approval.
Thanks again everyone. :)

I've been feeling a certain way for a while but I haven't said anything to anyone. I don't even think I've been honest with myself. The truth is, I am so lonely. I know I'm not alone, but for some reason, I feel so lonely. I don't have anything outside of my family and my job thats really just for me. I have no real friends. I don't have time for any hobbies. I go to work, I come home. That's it. Hubbie tells me to get out, but don't have anywhere to go or anything to do. I've been having nightmares too. About abusing the boys in the way I was abused. It makes me sick to think that I could be capable of that. I can still see it in my head and I want nothing more than to make it stop. I don't know what I would do if I were to do anything like that. I tried to talk to hubbie about it. He kept reassuring me that it was just a dream. I know it was dream. That's not what makes me cry. Its closing my eyes and seeing it over and over again. I told him that maybe I should start seeing someone. He doesn't think I need to go. He's just so oblivious to how depressed I really am. I don't think I've really, truly smiled in weeks. It's all I can do to not cry constantly...

So I've been back @ Hard Rock for a week. It's almost like I never left. Same junk, new people. Working overnight will take some getting used to though.
Having my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow via oral surgery. Fun.

I found out yesterday, that I guy I knew in HS died in Afghanistan in May. We were friends, and dated very briefly.
Very strange...

Well, my last day @ Ford is Friday. It sucks, but this will be so good for us. I mentally checked out like, last week though. I spent half my day today reading news articles and using our private search systems to find people I went to HS with. :)
I need to find a way to abuse my last couple days though. I don't wanna do anything too messed up, 'cause I like my boss and hubbie still has to work there. Any ideas?
And another birthday, come and gone, nothing real special. :)

Well, for the last two months my sister and her fiancee have been babysitting the boys whie Hubbie and I work. Well apparently my sister's fiancee has put in for a couple good paying jobs that would leave him unable to help babysit. So hubbie and I came up with a plan to eliminate child care expenses all together. I secured a position at a hotel doing Night Audit. Night Audit is a fancy term for th graveyard shift. It's going to suck, but it will be good in that I will get to be with the boys more and will have a good amount of extra money back in our budget. Guess which hotel? Yep, the Hard Rock! It's better to go with the devil you know, versus the devil you don't, right? ;)
That leads me to something else I have to drop on the same sister. She's getting married in June. I want very much to be there for my sister, but there is a good chance that her father, who sexually abused me for three years is going to be there. I just can't do it. I still can't face him. So I have to tell my sister I won't be there on one of the most important days of her life if father is there. I have no idea how she is going to react.

I have been home alone all day and it is glorious. It's quiet and I haven't done a thing yet.
However, I did have to go to the dentist this morning. My wisdom teeth are coming in and need to be removed. And they are quite painful. I have to make an appointment for full on oral surgery!
One up-side is vicoden! Got a scrip, and spent part of the in a coma on my sofa! Yay!
I also just went outside to check the mail in my boy shorts and about gave my neighbor's landscapers a heart attack. :)

So this is everything that has happened in the last month and a half:
I've been promoted at Ford. Twice. :)
At first everything was going great on the house. Then, the week of the closing, there was a scramble to get some things done that the mortgage broker failed to mention we needed. Then, the day of the closing, he calls us to advise that there was a problem with the title and out lender wasn't going to fund he loan at all. I cried.
Then he finds this other lender and gets everything done. Then at the closing, come to find out the original lender funded it anyway, because they fixed the problem with the title. Then the seller said he couldn't close on the second date we set aside. When we threatend to walk on the deal, he made time. But eventually we got our house. Moving was an adventure.
Lukas started walking everywhere and turned one.
My second wedding anniversary is next Tuesday.
My birthday is next month.
I AM SOOO HAPPY W/ MY HOUSE!!!

Didya miss me? :)

Everything is falling into place with the house. However, in an effort to save the last bit of cash we need for expenses, we're cutting cable and internet on Monday...:(
I'll have some access from work and will post when I can...

They accepted our offer! We're closing on our first home on Aug 17th!

Well, we saw a house on Sunday we like. We made an offer on it today! Now we just wait to hear back on the offer. We offered what they were asking, based on them paying all the closing costs, which in the current housing market isn't a stretch.
What sucks is that now we have to come up almost $4K for a down payment and inspection costs. We have a plan though.
I'll let you know what happens!!

I found my first gray hairs this week.


Please kill me...

I love Leeza for my set on EoFF. :)
Congrats on the Horniest Member Ciddie, Tanner. You've deserved that one for a while... ;)
Work is ok. Nothing special. I've decided that my teammates are black holes of negativity trying to suck me in. I've decided that the best course of action is to get and keep my stats up to get the fuck away from them.
Speaking of curse words, Nick has picked one up from Hubbie. I'll let you guess which one.
We got pre-approved for a mortgage and are now shopping for a home. :)

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test